National Educational Fraternity
Established 1892




Quotes from Steven Wright  Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. 

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

 When I was a child... We had a quicksand box in the backyard.  I was an only child....... eventually."

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

	You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
	asleep, you're reading, reading...  And all of a sudden you
	notice your eyes are closed?  I'm like that all the time.

	Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and
	asked her, "Do you live around here often?"  She said, "You're
	wearing two different colored socks."  I said, "Yes, but to me
	they're the same because I go by thickness."  Then she asked,
	"How do you feel?"  and I said, "Well, you know when you're
	sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs
	then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last
	second you catch yourself?  I feel like that all the time."

	Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I
	think I've forgotten this before.

	Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.  I mimic my

	I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one...  It
	wasn't doing what I was doing.

	I was once walking through the forest alone.  A tree fell right
	in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

	I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
	is.  Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
	say, "I think I might have written that."

	He asked me if I knew what time it was.  I said, "Yes, but not
	right now."

	I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally
	walk through into another dimension.

	I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
	abstract.  No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

	My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it.  So I'm going
	to move to New York.

	I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

	I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

	I'm so hyper...  (Said with a very dull voice.)

	If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

	Four years ago...  No, it was yesterday.
	Today I...  No, that wasn't me.
	Sometimes I...  No, I don't.

	Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

	A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
	entire planet Earth taken from space.  On the back it said,
	"Wish you were here."

	Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,
	and smile for a satellite picture.

	I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

	Sorry, my mind was wandering.  One time my mind went all the way
	to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

	I have a map of the United States...  Actual size.  It says,
	"Scale:  1 mile = 1 mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I
	also have a full-size map of the world.  I hardly ever unroll it.
	People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

	It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

	Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

	Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

	You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?

	I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it
	on all the beaches of the world...  Perhaps you've seen it.

	It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
	they'd just stay right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.

	When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

	I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They
	said, "What for?"  I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

	I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
	much time.

	I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
	the statues that are in all the other museums.

	I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
	Boy With Pail...  Kitten On Fire.

	One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had
	been done by children.  They had all the paintings up on

	Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my
	own food.  My argument was that the concession stand prices are
	outrageous.  Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

	One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab.  The movie cost me

	I went to the cinema, and the prices were:  Adults $5.00,
	children $2.50.  So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

	I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."  So
	I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

	I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
	buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what
	kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
	to it.

	There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
	in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

	I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables.  I
	was clearing them for take off.  I had them all lined up
	outside.  People thought it was an outdoor cafe.  I said, "No,
	these are leaving at 3."  They were going to fire me anyway,
	because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the
	inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get

	I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything

	Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in
	Seattle, Washington.  One day a man walked in and asked, "If I
	can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?"  Two days
	later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight
	Bosco on the job.

	I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.  The
	clerk said, "ten-four."

	I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet
	supplies."  So I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that
	said "compact cars"...

	I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got
	there, the guy was locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the
	sign says you're open 24 hours."  He said, "Yes, but not in a

	I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They
	ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
	I'd like?"  Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra

	I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was
	in the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they
	weren't included.  So I had to buy them again.

	I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked
	up to me and said, "Can I help you?"  and I said "Yeah, do you
	got anything I like?"  He said, "What do you mean do we have
	anything you like?"  I said, "You started this."

	I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
	She said, "It's free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone
	bought anything today.

	There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
	Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

	I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to
	the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a
	different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

	Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French
	looking girl.  She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't
	read in two different languages.

	For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put
	them in the same room and let them fight it out.  Then I filled
	my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

	Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I
	don't get it...

	I have a microwave fireplace in my house...  The other night I
	laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

	My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

	I have the oldest typewriter in the world.  It types in pencil.

	I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

	I invented the cordless extension cord.

	Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings.  Whenever
	I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call.  One time
	I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop
	ringing, so I had it disconnected.  I bought a new phone though.
	I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone --
	it had no number 5 on it.  I saw a close friend of mine the
	other day...  He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?"  I
	said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no five
	on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't
	know...  My calendar has no sevens on it."

	I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called
	someone.  They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

	Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said,
	"Hello?"  and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They
	said, "Uh...  I don't think so...  he's only 2 months old."  I
	said, "I'll wait."

	I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
	Information.  She said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't
	find my socks."  She said, "They're behind the couch."  And they

	I got an answering machine for my phone.  Now when I'm not home
	and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy
	signal.  I like to leave messages before the beep.

	I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
	inside my fish tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a
	call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to
	the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls

	I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it
	on and went to sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I
	could only stutter in Spanish.

	I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
	wires backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned
	them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

	I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing
	so I bought the album.

	I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about

	What's another word for Thesaurus?

	Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
	The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

	My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in
	1912...  Well, to make a long story short ...

	I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done, so now I
	just have to fill in the rest.

	I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

	I wrote a few children's books...  Not on purpose.

	I just got out of the hospital.  I was in a speed reading
	accident.  I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

	I installed a skylight in my apartment....  The people who live
	above me are furious!

	All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me
	designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across
	the hall tried to rob a department store...  With a pricing
	gun...  She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
	marking down everything in the store."

	While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my
	bedroom.  They put it in *exactly* the same place it was.  When
	I told my roommate, he said:  "Do I know you?"

	In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
	Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
	Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.  She said, "Cut
	it out."

	Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick
	wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
	who knew.  People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
	it...  It feels real."

	In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
	above...  So I never have to go upstairs.

	One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
	flash on my camera to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and
	took fifty pictures of my face.  The neighbors thought there was
	lightning in my house.

	All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
	I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.

	Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
	If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
	your head.  If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater
	real quick.

	I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it.  I write
	right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

	My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
	neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
	out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

	I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how
	I got there.

	The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
	with my car keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it
	around for a while.  I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
	He asked where I lived.  I said, "right here, officer".  Later,
	I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,
	"Get out of my driveway!"

	My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really
	notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

	For a while I didn't have a car...  I had a helicopter...  no
	place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
	running...  (Slow glance upward.)

	I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
	I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

	I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
	looks like I'm the only one moving.

	I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my
	car going really fast, and stick it out the window.  I've been
	arrested three times for practicing.

	I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
	out.  Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds

	I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
	earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

	I had to stop driving my car for a while...  The tires got

	My neighbor has a circular driveway...  He can't get out.

	I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
	anywhere near the place.

	I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.
	But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

	Last year we drove across the country.  We switched on the
	driving...  Every half mile...  We had one cassette tape to
	listen to on the entire trip...  I don't remember what it was.

	I saw a sign:  "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.  Some
	people must be really tired.

	I like to pick up hitchhikers.  When they get in the car I say,
	"Put on your seat belt.  I want to try something.  I saw it once
	in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

	I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my
	Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying
	to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the
	highway and began hitching.  Within three minutes I got picked
	up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new
	cars.  I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door.
	The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get
	into one of the cars out back."  So I did.  And he was really
	into picking people up because he picked up 19 more.  We all had
	our own cars.  Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got
	speeding tickets.

	A cop stopped me for speeding.  He said, "Why were you going so
	fast?"  I said, "See this thing my foot is on?  It's called an
	accelerator.  When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
	engine.  The whole car just takes right off.  And see this
	thing?  This steers it."

	I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
	"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes,
	officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

	One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said,
	"Didn't you see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't
	believe everything I read."

	I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
	Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
	and farther, trying to see it clearly)...  And says, "Here, you
	can go."

	We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going
	through a green light.  We pleaded "maybe".  I asked the judge
	if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further

	I went to court for a parking ticket.  I pleaded insanity.  I
	said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in
	the passing lane?"

	When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
	parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
	me if I'm leaving.

	Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...  When I came
	back the entire area was missing.

	I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept
	locking the keys in the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot
	stepladder with a coathanger.

	One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house.  I was
	walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess
	told me to sit down.

	When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre.  It's a good airline.  You
	buy a one way round trip ticket.  You leave any Monday, and they
	bring you back the previous Friday...  That way you still have
	the weekend.

	I have a friend named Dennis.  Both of his parents were midgets,
	but he isn't a midget.  He's a midget-dwarf.  He's two inches
	tall.  He's the one who poses for trophies.

	A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to
	go.  You'll just be walking down the street, and...
	Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...

	I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends
	went to the funeral in one car.

	I owed my friend George $25.  For about three weeks I owed it to
	him.  The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
	Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
	up.  He said, "Gimme all your money."  I said, "Wait a minute."
	I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you."  The the
	thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave
	it to George.  At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars
	from George.

	I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.  It's
	called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm
	Not Raking 'Til Spring."

	My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
	tour.  I said, "the whole time."

	My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep,
	I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

	So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there
	anyway except for this girl I was seeing.  We had conflicting
	attitudes:  I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't
	really into being alive.  I told her I knew when I was going to
	die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

	I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said,
	"Steven, time to go to sleep."  I said, "But I don't know how."
	She said, "It's real easy.  Just go down to the end of tired and
	hang a left."  So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
	of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother was there, and she said
	"I thought I told you to go to sleep."

	I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
	means it's going to be up all night.

	When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
	sleep good?"  I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

	I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

	One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
	satellite dish.  My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.

	I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.

	It's a good apartment because they allow pets.  I have a
	Shetland pony named Nikkie.  Last summer Nikkie was involved in
	a bizarre electrolysis accident.  All her hair was removed
	except for her tail.  Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family

	My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the
	apartment somewhere.

	Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

	If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
	their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
	and drop it?

	I bought a dog the other day...  I named him Stay.  It's fun to
	call him...  "Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went
	insane.  Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.  He's an East
	German Shepherd.

	I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures
	of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in

	The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...  on
	the ledge.  Some people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm
	afraid of widths.

	I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.

	Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a
	dotted line.  He caught every other fish.

	There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
	looking like an idiot.

	If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the

	(Referring to a glass of water:)  I mixed this myself.  Two
	parts H, one part O.  I don't trust anybody!

	They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning...
	(Picks up his glass of water from the stool...)  I like to live
	on the edge...

	I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

	I was born by Caesarean section...  But not so you'd notice.
	It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the

	When I was a baby, I kept a diary.  Recently, I was rereading
	it.  It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move.  Day 2 --
	Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."

	When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
	closet for five minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator

	I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy
	subway instead.  You couldn't see anything, but every now and
	then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

	When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
	have any toy train schedules?"

	When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand
	box.  I was an only child...  Eventually.

	When I was five years old I was on a merry go round.  There was
	a gunshot nearby.  The horses stampeded.  There I was running
	down the street on a purple wooden horse.

	When I was eight, I played Little League.  I was on first; I
	stole third; I went straight across.  Earlier that week, I
	learned that the shortest distance between two points was a
	direct line.  I took advantage of that knowledge.

	I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.  I couldn't
	find tractors small enough to fit it.

	My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.  He didn't get his
	birthmark until he was eight years old.

	My school colors were clear.  We used to say, "I'm not naked,
	I'm in the band."

	When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
	twins.  Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
	When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
	he didn't obey.

	Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
	beach...  It pisses me off!  I'll go over to a little baby and
	say, "What are you doing here?  You haven't worked a day in your

	My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so
	later I can ask him what he meant.

	I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...  I
	changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
	landed on my feet.  Two little kittens nearby saw what happened
	and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's

	I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
	been serious because I brought a beach towel.

	I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
	me...  I pushed "1" and he just stood there...  I said, "Hi,
	where you going?"  He said, "Phoenix."  So I pushed Phoenix.  A
	few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...
	We were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked at him and said, "You
	know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with."  We
	got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.  Then
	the phone rang.  He said, "You get it."  I picked it up and
	said, "Hello?"...  The other side said, "Is this Steven
	Wright?"...  I said, "Yes..."  The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.
	Jones, the student loan director from your bank.  It seems you
	have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
	attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned
	you.  We would just like to know what happened to the money?"  I
	said, "Mr.  Jones, I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of
	the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear
	weapon...  And I would appreciate it if you never called me

	One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
	most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...  I sat beside her.  I said,
	"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
	it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
	problem."  So I asked, "What's the problem?"  She replied, "I
	can't tell you.  I don't even know you..."  I said, "Well
	sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
	on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
	nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...  By the way, my
	name is Denise."  I said, "Hello, Denise.  My name is Bucky

	Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now.  I met
	her at a Macy's in New York.  She was buying clothes, and I was
	putting slinkies on the escalators.  The girl I'm seeing now,
	Rachel, is a very pretty girl.  She has emerald eyes and long,
	flowing plaid hair.  The last week in August, we went camping
	way up in Canada.  We were laying around in the woods and stuff,
	and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her
	brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about
	sandpaper.  She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else.  And
	her father is an incredible millionaire.  He's the guy who
	designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries
	in something.  Having sex with Rachel is amazing.  It's like
	going to a concert.  She yells a lot.  She throws frisbees
	around the room.  And when she wants more she lights a match.

	Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.
	I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on.  My ride
	came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried
	me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car,
	and drove to the mountain.  Seventeen miles later, I woke up out
	of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving
	horizontally.  I'm sure this has happened to you.

	A while ago, I went skiing in England.  It was a rare package:
	two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in
	England.  I said, "Yes, I'll take it."  I got on this chairlift
	with this guy I didn't know.  We went halfway up the mountain
	without saying a word.  Then he turned to me and said, "You
	know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years."  I
	said, "Why did you take such a long time off?"  He said, "I was
	in prison.  Want to know why?"  I said, "Not really.  Well, you
	better tell me why."  He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a
	Ferris wheel."  I said, "I remember you."

	I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing
	sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where."  I
	said, "What's your problem buddy?"  He said, "I'm sick of this
	stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there.
	I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't
	a bird."  I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on
	in.  Want some eggs?  Sorry."

	One night I came home very late.  It was the next night.

	After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

	I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

	The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."

	I broke my arm trying to fold a bed.  It wasn't the kind that folds.

	I lost a button hole today.  Where am I gonna find another one?

	I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

	I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

	I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

	Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.

	I took a baby shower.

	I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

	I washed mud, off of mud.

	How young can you die of old age?

	If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

	If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

	I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

	On the other hand...  You have different fingers.

	I can levitate birds.  No one cares.

	Women...  Can't live with 'em...  Can't shoot 'em.

	If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the
	money go?

	If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you
	have the pen!

	What do batteries run on?

	Are there any questions?

	I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had
	made out of sponges.  I remember one time when I wore it.  When
	I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I
	came back.

	I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in
	it.  You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and
	it starts to snow.  I bought one, except this has a snow plow
	that does it in rows.

	(Later:)  I bought one of those little glass ball things with
	the snow in it...  Just checking.

	I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
	thinks he can get me five.

	Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put
	your two cents in?"  Somebody's making a penny.

	My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole
	package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes
	she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

	The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
	rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
	a tree.

	I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
	Boy, were they mad!

	The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.
	Fred, Barney...

	I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
	act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

	It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room

	I have two very rare photographs.  One is a picture of Houdini
	locking his keys in his car.  The other is a rare photograph of
	Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

	I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
	reading.  So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.

	Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo.  He got
	pretty good.  He could go under a rug.

	I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
	Notify".  I wrote "Doctor"...  What's my mother going to do?

	I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...  The
	study of milkmen.

	Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.  I
	sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

	I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards.  I got a
	full house and four people died.

	I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post.  It
	said:  "Lost -- $50.  If found, just keep it."

	I bought a cheap piece of land...  It was on someone else's

	The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
	get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.

	The sun got confused about daylight savings time.  It rose
	twice.  Everything had two shadows.

	Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
	behind his ears.  I think George is weird, because he has false
	teeth.  With braces on them.  George is a radio announcer, and
	when he walks under a bridge...  You can't hear him talk.

	When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
	any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"

	I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said "Help Wanted."  There
	was another sign below it that said "Self Service."  So I hired
	myself.  Then I made myself the boss.  I gave myself a raise.  I
	paid myself.  Then I quit.

	In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
	roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

	Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
	he just whipped out a quarter?

	I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"

	I'm kinda tired.  I was up all night trying to round off
	infinity.  Then I got bored and went out and painted passing
	lines on curved roads.

	This is my impression of a bowling ball...  (Drags the mike
	along the floor, then lifts it...)  Gutter...

	I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
	The team scored a touchdown.  They showed the instant replay.
	He thought they scored another one.  I was gonna tell him, but I
	figured the game *he* was watching was better.
Everywhere is walking distance if 
    you have the time.

 I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

 I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

 It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

 Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.


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