Mark Twain Quotes


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Mark Twain Quotes

After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.
It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
In India, 'cold weather' is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off guard and allow you opportunity to commit more.
A lie can travel halfway round the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.
A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversation.
All humor is derrived from pain, ergo nothing in Heaven is funny.
All kings is mostly rapscallions.
All the modern inconveniences ...
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
A man came into the the office one day and said he was a sailor. We cured him of that.
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.
An average English word is four letters and a half. By hard, honest labor I've dug all the large words out of my vocabulary and shaved it down till the average is three and a half.
A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling: For example, in Year 1 that useless letter ''c'' would be dropped to be replased either by ''k'' or ''s'', and likewise ''x'' would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which ''c'' would be retained would be the ''ch'' formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform ''w'' spelling, so that ''which'' and ''one'' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish ''y'' replasing it with ''i'' and Iear 4 might fiks the ''g/j'' anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez ''c'', ''y'' and ''x'' -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais ''ch'', ''sh'', and ''th'' rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in iusxrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
I love Wagner--if only they'd cut out all that damned singing!
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned in seven years.
And she had a bath once a year .....whether she needed it or not.
An ethical man is a Christian holding four aces.
An experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.
A verb has a hard time enough of it in this world when it's all together. It's downright inhuman to split it up. But that's just what those Germans do. They take part of a verb and put it down here, like a stake, and they take the other part of it and put it away over yonder like another stake, and between these two limits they just shovel in German.
Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's life.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Do something every day that you don't want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain.
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it.
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you wish.
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
It seems to me that it was far from right for [Professor Siddoway Lounsbury], [Professor Matthews], and Wilkie Collins to deliver opinions on Cooper's literature without having read some of it.
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.


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