Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New
York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We
can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel
The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his
bill, so he gave him another six months.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell
A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to
get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called
the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been
running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"
The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your
tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor
says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how
do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get
pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man
says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped
dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make
it look like he was walking in."
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a
health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been
brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial
goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of
dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt.
Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before
we get killed!"
Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with
Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said
"I'll pay it!"
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the
wall. I let her look.
I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.
Homeless Guys Jokes
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He
said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You
should force yourself!"
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't
worry, it still tastes the same!"
Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him
"Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I
asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't
talk to strangers."
Horse Race Jokes
I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says
"Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my
horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But
when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in
the same race...
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I
let her out.
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient,
they're in two seperate buildings!
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.
My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!
"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"
Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
You look like a talent
scout for a cemetery.
You have a nice
personality, but not for a human being.
The more I think of you,
the less I think of you.
Where did you get
your haircut, the pet shop?
Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?
This man dresses like an unmade bed.
Now, the band that inspired
that great saying "Stop The Music!!"
Those two are a fastidious
couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
She's a big-hearted girl
with hips to match.
This man used to go to
school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
He is the only man I ever
met with a seersucker face.
She must have Egyptian
blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"
His motto is "Love Thy
Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
This man is frank and
earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!
During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made
chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park
here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said
"Yes", and walked away.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The
man says, "I make a good living."
2 Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in
Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She
thinks I'm selling dope.
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year
later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If
it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop,
would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is
concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look
for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the
rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his swiss
army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the
window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was
your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate
Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the
chandelier falling on them!"
A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?"
"Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds,
A man goes to a barbershop and asks "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The
man leaves. He comes back tomorrow, and asks, "How many ahead of me."
"Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many
ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another,
"Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to
take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I
get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front
door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's
your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"
A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says,
"I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over."
The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says,
"How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz,
Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr.
Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr.
Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me
talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me
talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my
head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the
man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way,
you have a nice house!"
In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the
last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We
want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish
Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and
washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to
shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water
out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say "we saved
your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says "He had a hat!"
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a
3 day pass. The Co says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army,
and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for
that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab
tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I
jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I
approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the
Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want
to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!
A little man is running a Jewelry store. A man runs in saying "Okay,
take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case,
install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for
it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says "C-C-C-Come
A person asked me "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her "Well,
it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your
mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take
one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two
hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The
one with the Easter basket.
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra?
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were
bobbing for french fries.
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife
How do Polish people spell
Are you Polish? Okay, I'll
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What
happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing,
and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love,
the garage door goes up.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to
My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get
out of bed, it's feet first!
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work
he's out of.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go "Crick".
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the
army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Smart Guy Jokes
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How
does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I
just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…."
Take my wife, please!
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every
finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a
week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes
Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The
thief spends less than my wife did.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She
said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife has a black belt in shopping.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three
stores went under.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So
what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her
over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late,
everyone is all coming back!"
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the
carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it
the Dead Sea.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,
but can she climb a tree!
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" "No, jump in!"
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in
here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when
do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove
If I had blood, I'd blush.
A tough guy told me "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I
was a bottle baby.
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just
I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a
Last night I ordered a whole meal in
French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!